


He's A Lumberjack (And He's Okay)

by laughingalonewithducks



Category: Battleborn (Video Game)
Genre: HE SLEEPS ALL NIGHT AND HE WORKS ALL DAY, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-06-08 08:43:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6847561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughingalonewithducks/pseuds/laughingalonewithducks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rath's love life is not a comedy and he'd appreciate it if people stopped laughing at him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He's A Lumberjack (And He's Okay)

"So," Deande smirks, "Montana, huh?"

"Montana who," Rath says, attempting innocence. 

" _You_ know." Deande is still smirking. "The _lumberjack._ The one you've been staring at since you got here."

"Right, Montana. The _lumberjack_. And I wasn't staring," Rath adds, unconvincingly. "I was, um. Reconnaissancing."

"That's not a word, Rath." Deande is laughing at him now. Rath feels distinctly underprepared for this conversation.

"Anyway," he says, in a desperate attempt to change the subject, "have you seen Miko? I think I'm coming down with something. Been sneezing a lot."

Deande sniggers. "Coming down with the  _love bug_ , maybe. Or an STD, I don't know what you get up to in your free time."

"You would know," Rath says snottily, and retreats in search of Miko before she gets graphic. 

"USE PROTECTION!" Deande shouts after him, cackling.

***

Most of the Battleborn take breakfast at the same time, so Rath has an audience when he storms into the dining hall and over to Deande, slamming something on the table hard enough that most of the hall's occupants flinch (barring Phoebe, who is uncaffeinated and therefore technically dead).

Deande squints at the small black thing, then up at Rath. "It's, um, very nice? What is it?"

"It's  _cursed_ ," Rath grits out. "Someone on this ship hid a  _cursed rock_ in my  _quarters-_ " he pauses, glaring venomously at everyone in the room, "-and when I find who did it, there will be  _blood_. And  _screaming_."

The culprit does not immediately give themselves up and beg for mercy. Rath huffs and storms out again.

"Ooh," Mike says, having finally gotten a glimpse of Rath's 'cursed rock'. "Montana, isn't that- mmmmmffgh." 

"SORRY, BUDDY." Montana 'accidentally' wraps his oversized hand around Mike's helmet. "DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE."

Montana removes his hand after a second and Mike gasps for air. "It's cool, man," he pants. "I said, you thought it matched his nail- mmmmmmmffffgh."

"WHOOPS," Montana says, shoving his hand up against Mike's faceplate. "DID IT AGAIN, SORRY. I'M REALLY CLUMSY TODAY."

***

("Oh, this thing," Orendi says later, poking at the little black rock. "Yeah, Mike said he was supposed to give it to Rath. I told him to just stick it in his room or something."

"It's... cursed, though." 

"So?" Orendi pokes at it again. "It's not, like, a  _major_  curse or anything. It's just annoying. I think it makes you sneeze."

Deande eyes her hands and tries not to think about where they've been.)

***

Mike corners Rath in one of the ship's corridors a few days later.

"Heyyy, Rath," he says, shiftily. Literally - he's shifting from one foot to the other, faceplate pointing at a particularly interesting spot on the ceiling. Rath is immediately suspicious.

"So, uh, you know the weird cursed rock someone hid in your room - someone who wasn't  _me,_ haha, I mean, it was definitely someone  _else_ who did it-"

"Do you have something to tell me, Mike?" Rath interrupts.

"-it was me!" Mike blurts out. "We didn't know it was cursed! Montana thought you'd like it and I was trying to help and we both feel really bad about it because he really likes you and what if you hate him and  _I'm so sorry please put the sword away_."

Rath sheaths his sword and considers Mike for a long time, after which he does something Mike has never seen before - and, quite frankly, would be perfectly happy to never see again: he smiles.

Mike is going to have nightmares about this moment.

"Tell him I said 'thanks'," Rath says, still smiling. 

"Um," says Mike. "Is that, like, a sarcastic 'thanks' or a yes-please-date-me 'thanks' or- aaaand you're leaving. Okay."

***

("THAT WAS A GOOD 'THANKS', RIGHT?" Montana is vaguely hopeful.

"I don't know! He just walked away!" Mike says. "Montana, your crush is creepy."

"AT LEAST HE SMILED," Montana says. "THAT'S GOOD. PROBABLY."

"Please don't remind me," Mike shudders. "Please. For the sake of my mental health.")

***

Rath chats companionably to a few of the other Jennerit as they wait out the latest snowstorm in a convenient cave and buffs out the scratches in his armour - that last Conservator had been an absolute _bitch_ to deal with. As he pulls off his helmet to inspect the damage, the group goes silent.

"Rath," Ambra says, after a minute, "I do believe you're going grey at the temples."

Rath is suddenly very absorbed in his helmet.

"...Yes, well," he mutters, "I'm too old to care about that sort of thing anymore."

"It was totally black two weeks ago."

"Maybe I've decided to go back to my roots," Rath says, unable to help himself.

Ambra rolls her eyes and looks ready to drop the subject - until Deande cuts in.

"He stopped dyeing it last week," she says slyly. "Right after Montana-"

" _Deande,_ " Rath hisses, betrayed.

" _Right after Montana_ said he liked it better grey," Deande says, talking over the top of him.

"Wow," Ambra smirks, "you are  _seriously_ pining."

"Rath's in lu-urve," Deande sings at him. Ambra unsuccessfully tries to hide her laughter.

"Yeah, well, you- you're a  _bottle-blonde_ ," Rath snaps. "She's actually  _ginger_ ," he confides to Ambra in a stage-whisper.

Horrified silence descends upon the cave. Phoebe, poking at a Varelsi corpse at the front of the cave, nearly drops her scalpel in shock. Deande glares daggers at Rath for a long moment before storming off to sit with some of the others.

"She's not actually -  _you know_ ," Ambra whispers, "is she?"

Rath snorts. "Who knows."

 ***

"SO," Montana says awkwardly, dropping down beside him. "DID YOU KNOW THAT, UH, CAVES ARE REALLY ECHOEY?"

"JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD MENTION IT," he adds, almost-casually slinging an arm around Rath. "WE CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU GUYS SAY."

Rath shifts imperceptibly, leaning into Montana, and glares at Ambra, who appears to be having some kind of fit.

***

("Don't worry," Mellka says afterwards, "I'll still love you, even if you haven't got a soul- wait, Deande? Where are you going? I WAS JOKING!")

 

**Author's Note:**

> ive never played battleborn in my entire life but i love this stupid emo vampire


End file.
